I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
