i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
