the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
