In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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