I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
