EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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