I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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