even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
