I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
