Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
