I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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