Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
