On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize