in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
