I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
