Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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