I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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