I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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