when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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