i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
