my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
