i wish my penis had a tongue
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
