if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
