Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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