i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
