The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
