Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
