Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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