You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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