How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
