I'm so fucking centered right now
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
