you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize