remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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