I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
