Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This baby is an asshole
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
