I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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