I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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