Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
