My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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