I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
