To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
