just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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