no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
