How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
