I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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