Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We are all done wearing pants today
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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