I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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