can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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