omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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