I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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