meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
