Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
