I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
